tired no longer

“I’m tired” – she rasps at me
Thru snaking tubes in her mouth and nose
“I’m tired” – with searching eye, she pleads to me
With two IV’s on each bruised arm
“I’m tired” – she whispers softly
As they take more blood till she’s black and blue

“Hurry, hurry”, - she grasps my hand
“The doors are closing” – she urges me
“There’s darkness over there”
“But there’s nothing here for me”
As she claws at her oxygen tube

“I’m tired” – with finality she looks to me
I hold on - till she sighs in relief
I hug her - as they covered her face

“I’m tired” – the wind murmurs to me
As she’s wheeled away from me.

Goodbye mother,
No longer will you be tired.

Dear Dad....

Remember when I insisted on getting my own pair of Levis denim jeans and black and white Adidas sneakers exactly like what you always wear? I was 6 years old. You went to a tailor and had your own Levis copied and took off a Levis tag from one of your own to put on my brand new ones. I was so happy walking around wearing exactly the same thing as you. I was your mini me and I was so proud.

Remember when we used to sneak out of Mom's watchful eyes and go watch a scary movie in town? Then on the way home, we would buy a kilo of mangoes and merrily eat it all before we got home?.. I remember the first movie you took me too. It was Dracula with Christopher Lee. You had to put me on your shoulders as the moviehouse was so full and they ran out of seats but I insisted on watching the movie so you had to stand up for the whole movie with me on your shoulders. I loved you so much for it.

When I was a teenager - remember we used to sit in the porch and cackle at every passerby, make up stories about them and gossip about our neighbours? How we loved those passing the day like that.

Remember the rooster you gave me? So I could come with you and older brother to the cockfights pretending I was one of the guys? But never allowing my rooster to take part for fear I would howl my way home and face Mom's wrath? I loved you so much for it.

Remember when I spent a year in and out of hospital for a year and was so upset for missing out so much on my first year at school and you told me I should be so lucky I have two houses. One (my home) by the beach and one with more than a 100 rooms in it (the hospital). I was so proud I took the hospital's picture to class for show and tell. I was 5 years old.

When it was your turn to be in a hospital, why couldnt I come up with something like that Dad? Why couldnt I make you laugh or come up with something witty to ease your pain? Or anything.. to stop your eyes from dimming... to stop your mind from wandering off somewhere where I couldnt reach you with a wisecrack.

I am so sorry. I had nothing. I tried. I racked my brains for something. Anything. But your jester daughter couldnt come up with anything. And I hope you could forgive her.

I miss you Dad.

An Ode to My Ex

you have bad breath and
your teeth is yellow
you have nail rot and
you eat your cuticles to its nail marrow
you have ocd (what's with wearing only blue?)
you walk like a duck and
your arms are short
bet you got 'em dwarf dna
you shovel in food without finishing a mouthful
you scrape your plate noisily with your cutlery
you are selfish (what's with the 300 jackets in your wardrobe?)
and super stingy (and yet wont buy a bottle of loceryl?)
your car is a piece of shit and yet you buy a few $800 suits
you use face products but do not shower before bed
you say, "you know", 10 millions times in one sentence
you fart while walking on the street
and you're fukkin ugly!

Fading Choices...

Yesterday seemed so filled with promise. 
An exchange of warmth, the sharing of so much.
Now, the slumber so desperately needed teases and tantalises yet still elusive.
The walls have gotten closer yet 
I fear to escape from them to face outside
My rage bubbles beneath the surface 
I hide within .... afraid to move.
Even writing has lost what comfort I may find
The urge to reach out and simply feel a hand 
I look down at my own and wonder..., 
what man would ever want them touching these?
The exhaustion is winning now. 
I look at the hovel and see what little was accomplished.
The abject bleakness is so complete.
I want to scream in rage but the effort is too much.
Why bother, if it doesn't do a damn bit of good.
The choices are fading from me.....
Even the voices seem forlorn , no longer angry just apathetic.
it just doesn't seem to matter much anymore......

What is your take on angels?

Are they just a more advanced or evolved species of men? Or what some may call purebreeds? Are we just the more inferior species to them? Do they also suffer from bickering and internal politics just like humans?

One can wonder - if they do exist they must be very flaky and fickle if they only help certain people. Some would content that if angels do exist and you're a starving baby in Africa or an abused child..you don't get any help at all..

But maybe even angels are not perfect..... as i asked at the start of my thread, i was just wondering whether angels can be imperfect too. afflicted by human type feelings such as envy, hate.. contempt..etc... maybe even have their own office politics happening...

and perhaps they are not the all seeing, all encompassing guardians of us humans as we have been brought up to believe. maybe they are also currently suffering from say, change management issues.. or perhaps some have been, shall we say, retrenched from their current "employ" due to cost cutting hence there are limits in the services that we humans currently can take advantage of?

I am not saying they are hovering over us from their u.f.o.'s or that they are floating about us in their auto clouds slash offices.. im just saying, what if they are just our ancestors, who are trying to look in on us, their baby brothers and sisters? or something?...

IF these being exist, then ii think yes they suffer from similar afflictions that we humans do. For example, Lucifer. He got really pissy about humans getting unconditional love from that god guy above. So he and some others had a bit of a row, next thing you know. *Bump* he and his crew get kicked out. Jealousy, envy, and plain snottiness. That's not a perfect being.

But I bet they have great hair days.

Distance: The Serial Killer of Relationships

Some recent events in my life have got me thinking about relationships and the reasons behind why they might flourish and then, why they might die. I've come to the conclusion that it is distance that is the number one cause of withering, dying, or dead relationships. Be that distance emotional or physical, separation from the ones you care about will ultimately sever your connection with them. Death of course, is that final and most feared creator of distance.

All of this of course doesn't only apply to romantic relationships. Oftentimes, I've had many friendships terminate because of distance. Whether it was former co-workers or classmates, physical distance creates a breakdown in communication and then everything spirals downward from there. You can always measure the strength of a friendship by how you act when you haven't communicated with that person in a long time. Most of us have friends that we may not see or talk to for months or even years at a time, but when you do, it's like no time has passed at all. That's how you know you have a strong connection with that person.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and though that may be true, I believe that prolonged absence makes the mind grow harder. By that I mean that the practical side of our brains learn to accept the distance and distracts us from our emotions by concentrating on routine and day to day survival.

Technology is a wonderful gift and tool that we use. I often marvel at the fact that I can talk to people through written word or by voice despite the fact that the listener is hundreds maybe even thousands of miles away. Unfortunately, human beings need to feel a physical presence in order to thrive. I really enjoy talking to distant friends or relatives, but I get so much more out of being in the same physical space with them.

Distance is a crafty killer. At first, you don't think it will be a problem, but then after time, you begin to forget. You realize that you don't actually need to feel the other person's presence because life will go on without them. Distance comes in so many shapes and forms, too and what may seem like a great opportunity is really creator of distance.

There will never be a cure for distance, but perhaps with more awareness, people can prevent distance from happening without their knowledge.

That's all folks...

Nothingness

I peer through Nothing

I strain my ears to Nothing

And know that it is closing in

In a crowd The Nothing suffocates me

As it breathes in my air

And the loneliness engulfs me

I know I'm alone...