Dear Dad....

Remember when I insisted on getting my own pair of Levis denim jeans and black and white Adidas sneakers exactly like what you always wear? I was 6 years old. You went to a tailor and had your own Levis copied and took off a Levis tag from one of your own to put on my brand new ones. I was so happy walking around wearing exactly the same thing as you. I was your mini me and I was so proud.

Remember when we used to sneak out of Mom's watchful eyes and go watch a scary movie in town? Then on the way home, we would buy a kilo of mangoes and merrily eat it all before we got home?.. I remember the first movie you took me too. It was Dracula with Christopher Lee. You had to put me on your shoulders as the moviehouse was so full and they ran out of seats but I insisted on watching the movie so you had to stand up for the whole movie with me on your shoulders. I loved you so much for it.

When I was a teenager - remember we used to sit in the porch and cackle at every passerby, make up stories about them and gossip about our neighbours? How we loved those passing the day like that.

Remember the rooster you gave me? So I could come with you and older brother to the cockfights pretending I was one of the guys? But never allowing my rooster to take part for fear I would howl my way home and face Mom's wrath? I loved you so much for it.

Remember when I spent a year in and out of hospital for a year and was so upset for missing out so much on my first year at school and you told me I should be so lucky I have two houses. One (my home) by the beach and one with more than a 100 rooms in it (the hospital). I was so proud I took the hospital's picture to class for show and tell. I was 5 years old.

When it was your turn to be in a hospital, why couldnt I come up with something like that Dad? Why couldnt I make you laugh or come up with something witty to ease your pain? Or anything.. to stop your eyes from dimming... to stop your mind from wandering off somewhere where I couldnt reach you with a wisecrack.

I am so sorry. I had nothing. I tried. I racked my brains for something. Anything. But your jester daughter couldnt come up with anything. And I hope you could forgive her.

I miss you Dad.

An Ode to My Ex

you have bad breath and
your teeth is yellow
you have nail rot and
you eat your cuticles to its nail marrow
you have ocd (what's with wearing only blue?)
you walk like a duck and
your arms are short
bet you got 'em dwarf dna
you shovel in food without finishing a mouthful
you scrape your plate noisily with your cutlery
you are selfish (what's with the 300 jackets in your wardrobe?)
and super stingy (and yet wont buy a bottle of loceryl?)
your car is a piece of shit and yet you buy a few $800 suits
you use face products but do not shower before bed
you say, "you know", 10 millions times in one sentence
you fart while walking on the street
and you're fukkin ugly!

Fading Choices...

Yesterday seemed so filled with promise. 
An exchange of warmth, the sharing of so much.
Now, the slumber so desperately needed teases and tantalises yet still elusive.
The walls have gotten closer yet 
I fear to escape from them to face outside
My rage bubbles beneath the surface 
I hide within .... afraid to move.
Even writing has lost what comfort I may find
The urge to reach out and simply feel a hand 
I look down at my own and wonder..., 
what man would ever want them touching these?
The exhaustion is winning now. 
I look at the hovel and see what little was accomplished.
The abject bleakness is so complete.
I want to scream in rage but the effort is too much.
Why bother, if it doesn't do a damn bit of good.
The choices are fading from me.....
Even the voices seem forlorn , no longer angry just apathetic.
it just doesn't seem to matter much anymore......

What is your take on angels?

Are they just a more advanced or evolved species of men? Or what some may call purebreeds? Are we just the more inferior species to them? Do they also suffer from bickering and internal politics just like humans?

One can wonder - if they do exist they must be very flaky and fickle if they only help certain people. Some would content that if angels do exist and you're a starving baby in Africa or an abused child..you don't get any help at all..

But maybe even angels are not perfect..... as i asked at the start of my thread, i was just wondering whether angels can be imperfect too. afflicted by human type feelings such as envy, hate.. contempt..etc... maybe even have their own office politics happening...

and perhaps they are not the all seeing, all encompassing guardians of us humans as we have been brought up to believe. maybe they are also currently suffering from say, change management issues.. or perhaps some have been, shall we say, retrenched from their current "employ" due to cost cutting hence there are limits in the services that we humans currently can take advantage of?

I am not saying they are hovering over us from their u.f.o.'s or that they are floating about us in their auto clouds slash offices.. im just saying, what if they are just our ancestors, who are trying to look in on us, their baby brothers and sisters? or something?...

IF these being exist, then ii think yes they suffer from similar afflictions that we humans do. For example, Lucifer. He got really pissy about humans getting unconditional love from that god guy above. So he and some others had a bit of a row, next thing you know. *Bump* he and his crew get kicked out. Jealousy, envy, and plain snottiness. That's not a perfect being.

But I bet they have great hair days.

Distance: The Serial Killer of Relationships

Some recent events in my life have got me thinking about relationships and the reasons behind why they might flourish and then, why they might die. I've come to the conclusion that it is distance that is the number one cause of withering, dying, or dead relationships. Be that distance emotional or physical, separation from the ones you care about will ultimately sever your connection with them. Death of course, is that final and most feared creator of distance.

All of this of course doesn't only apply to romantic relationships. Oftentimes, I've had many friendships terminate because of distance. Whether it was former co-workers or classmates, physical distance creates a breakdown in communication and then everything spirals downward from there. You can always measure the strength of a friendship by how you act when you haven't communicated with that person in a long time. Most of us have friends that we may not see or talk to for months or even years at a time, but when you do, it's like no time has passed at all. That's how you know you have a strong connection with that person.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and though that may be true, I believe that prolonged absence makes the mind grow harder. By that I mean that the practical side of our brains learn to accept the distance and distracts us from our emotions by concentrating on routine and day to day survival.

Technology is a wonderful gift and tool that we use. I often marvel at the fact that I can talk to people through written word or by voice despite the fact that the listener is hundreds maybe even thousands of miles away. Unfortunately, human beings need to feel a physical presence in order to thrive. I really enjoy talking to distant friends or relatives, but I get so much more out of being in the same physical space with them.

Distance is a crafty killer. At first, you don't think it will be a problem, but then after time, you begin to forget. You realize that you don't actually need to feel the other person's presence because life will go on without them. Distance comes in so many shapes and forms, too and what may seem like a great opportunity is really creator of distance.

There will never be a cure for distance, but perhaps with more awareness, people can prevent distance from happening without their knowledge.

That's all folks...

Nothingness

I peer through Nothing

I strain my ears to Nothing

And know that it is closing in

In a crowd The Nothing suffocates me

As it breathes in my air

And the loneliness engulfs me

I know I'm alone...

Torment on Valentine's Day

Please note: this story was written years ago in a fit of rage and pure valentine envy madness.

Okay - first off I would like to mention my most gorgeous girlfriend, her name is Valentina. She's blond, very pretty, great body, well educated, smart, professional, well travelled, from a good family - etc etc AND SINGLE. The girl is named after St Valentine's for FFing sake!! What chances have the rest of us got?

Aaaaanyway, here it goes – I was at work last night until 11ish and then again this morning at 7am. By about 9am I realized hey waaaait a minute, it's freakin valentine's day and I am madly working like an ant! So Michelle (girl from work) and I decided, well, no one's gonna give us a bunch of red roses or one of em long stemmed ones– so we decided to take a trek down to David Jones and buy each other some flowers (pathetic with a capital P) - NOT because we loooove flowers, not because we luurrve the spirit Valentine's Day - BUT because (of our vanity) we want to emerge from our building at the end of the day flippantly holding a bunch of red roses, faces masked with a slight air of indifference yet announcing to the world that yes, we are gorgeous women of this day and age and yes, we deserve a gargantuan bunch of roses on valentine's day.

Lunch hour rapidly mutated (as it does on a daily basis) into a manic 15 minute in between chomping a half masticated cow, juggling the phones and a full blown warfare with ye lord of all that is painful - a blank excel document. 

Tick tock tick tock - It's 6:30 pm and both of us are trekking down towards the office exit via kitchen (as we do) and I stopped in mid step – OMG – we don't have our freakin roses!!!!! I CANT take another step!!! I refuse to leave this building completely and utterly ROSELESS!!! How can I make my classy exit outside PWC – indifferently waving my bunch of reds – pointing at it and winking at anyone who would care to look – nodding and smiling as the Mother Queen would in her tiara. Yes, yes.. I am worth it. Look at my red, my darling minions, stare at it and weep. Coz it's coming home with moi – ner ner ner…. STOP ! IM ROSELESS!!!! the building doors however are now utterly shut and will not budge despite tears of blood flowing quite freely. 

Another friend, Marie rings to ask me if I wanted to go watch a movie with her tonight – OF COURSE NOT! I'd rather be staked in the middle of Federation Square and shot – ala firing squad rather than be seen watching a movie with a girlfriend on VALENTINE'S NIGHT!!! Que Horror!! Que Barbaridaaad!!

We are now walking down towards the train station and I've decided if I'm not getting any reds everyone else who has will suffer for it. I shall torment every single soul carrying a bunch of anything remotely close to the dreaded reds!!! I pointed at a dodgy Indian guy by the corner of our bldg with a bunch of red roses, I followed and mimicked an albino with a single long stemmed rose skipping like that rabbit in alice in wonderland (hey! Where are you going? Give em to me!!). 

The torment goes on..... but hey, i'm still laughing! St Valentine be damned!

Face Plant Ala Cirque du Soleil

This is a tale of a face plant extraordinaire on the airport tarmac

one moment i was chatting to a travel companion on my way to the plane:  the next moment i was kissing the cement of the runway..

Anyway, to  continue the tale of indignity... well.. as vividly described by my travel companion ....   this is how it happened:

my right leg got stuck on some indentation on the cement when i suddenly jerked to my left towards the plane's stairs direction

 so my right leg stayed where it was whilst the rest of me went forwards towards the left

 then both my arms shot out like doing a push up

whilst my right knee banged on the tarmac - my other leg on the otherhand sprang out ala ballet dance with matching pointed toe

 and then!~ apparently i proceeded to sort of bounce off like a basketball

 so that on each bounce both my arms which were holding me off in a sorta push up way steadily moved from shoulder length to towards my abdomen

 in effect

 creating a see-saw motion on each bounce with my forehead as the "see" and my outreaching left leg in a point toe motion as the "saw... and with my arms in my midsection creating the balance...

 that went on for about 30 seconds of my dear life....

 forehead - toe.. forehead - toe.... see - saw......

 bounce.. bounce.. bounce....bounce……………..

well,  that is if the travel companion who gleefully recounted the scene is to be believed of course. the little !@#$#!@$@$%@#%@#$%...

When I was 4 years old.....

When I was 4 years old and not quite ready to go to prep school yet, my mom took me to her work place so as to keep an eye on me. My soon to be nanny was then still looking after my two pretty older sisters. So there I was going to “work” everyday with my mom – she with her work handbag,me with my pull strings wooden toy car. 
Mom was the supplies/purchasing officer for the then Bureau
of Forestry. A rather senior role in the government if I may say so. This also
meant I had free access to all the office supplies – oh! glorious pristine white
bond paper just waiting to be scrawled on, colored pencils/pens, texta markers
in bold lines..… sigh.. anything a girl of four years desires. After a while however,
I found the company of the whole stock room rather.. unresponsive, silent and
stoic..…. 
And so it began….. whilst my mom was preoccupied with signing
off purchase orders and the likes, – I ventured out of her department and visited
her colleagues, desk after desk, offering my exceptional services in ahemmm…
portraiture at the lowest price of .25 cents a pop. There was of course a
choice between charcoal or full on color portrait. Business was rather good as
I would make sure to come back for those who told me to come back later or
double check whether this guy or that lady were happy with my services etc…
I remember one older gentleman who was rather…how can I say
this….. challenged in the looks department (lost 3 of my pristine whites on draft
drawings on that one).., he however was completely exulted with his portrait he
gave me a tip of .75 cents on top of my usual fee!! Merde! I am truly moving up
in the world! I would of course see him later on in my years from primary
school to university and he would not fail to mention said outstanding portrait
to my complete and utter and well deserved teenage embarrassment.  
Sadly, my entry into the lucrative albeit dog eat dog world
of entrepreneurship came into a sudden and unfortunate halt when my mom chanced upon yours truly struggling through a Picasso attempt on her then Director, the top gun of the whole Bureau and I guess, her boss (iiiiick!!).  


A two week stockroom arrest ensued and thus my portraiture business was in effect closed down. But I will remember my first venture as my most happiest ever. 
Super low outgoings, very high profits indeed – nothing could beat that! I RULE!!!

Wassup with Paul?

Next time I meet a Paul - I shall mentally and emotionally distance myself. Why is this you ask? Let me go through the reasons why:


Paul 1 - doesnt want to tell me what he does for work. very keen to see me almost everyday - after a month chuffed off to overseas saying it was all very sudden and he didnt know about this latest "assignment" until 3 days ago (MY FOOT!!!). Doesnt have a car coz he's always overseas (apparently). Ooookaaaaay... that was weird but akeemi is moving on. A YEAR LATER!!! Turns psycho via email and mobile. harassing me to come out with him again. WTF??? you cant just pick up where you started a year ago dumbass! its been a year - people move on!! I MOVE ON EVEN FASTER!!


Paul 2 - took me shopping on the first date, kinda laid back, yuppie and cool. took me to a major work function on the 2nd date. very gentlemanly the whole night through. drove me home after the event (of course we kissed) etc. etc. AND THEN went completely psycho! cracked it at text messaging (and I quote "i dont like sms, i cannot communicate well with it etc. etc. THEN PICK UP THE FRIGGIN PHONE YOU NUMBNUTS!) - . cracked it at me saying something about something (and I quote "dont leave it with me to make the decisions"). cracked it at people who gets into relationships. holy crap - HELLOOOO! nutbag in the house!!!!


Paul 3 - went away to south america for two (not one) years (not months - not weeks - YEARS my peoples!!!). currently working in a dead end job in Tullamarine and drives from his rented place in Elwood to Tullamarine everyday. Shares a place with some old balding highschool mate who is in exactly the same situation as him. came up with oldy but goldy line "ammm.. i dont really know what i want at this time in my life.. im not sure what is it that i really want in my life"....This guy is 34 years old and still doesnt know what he wants in life. OOOOKAAAAyyyyyy.....


Paul 4 - met him in a decent place where mature people go. nothing sleazy, all very corporate. quite a decent guy to talk to, gave me his bus card (owner of something...). monday - got a text from him wanting my email addy. gave it to him. THEN WENT PSYCHO! full blown cyber uber sleaze mode. i pressed the blocked button and that was Paul 4 for you. WTF????


Paul 5 - really nice guy. well spoken. brilliant young barrister. really really keen to see me almost everyday. as in - went out for drinks on wed night. had coffee the next morning as well. friday night comes - we were meant to tee up with our mates. 11pm - "where are you paul? akeemi, im in frankston and finishing up my night. would love to come over but it's 1 hour drive away - am staying at my folks house. ahhhhh... okay - sunday - on msn at 9:30pm "hi akeemi - know of any chinese place open at this time?" ammm. no. sorry. "well - im going to pick up some dvds now". ammm.. okay. WHAT THE HELL? is this some sort of coded invitation? monday - lets have coffee! i say no, im busy. lets do wed night. says, okay. one hour later - can i confirm that with you around tue? i might be at my folks house. GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!


A few days later:


By the way - just to update you folks. Paul 5 did not ring to confirm last Tuesday night (as earlier advised) so I assumed he was busy and made other arrangements. WELL - Guess what I got on my phone at 5:30pm Wednesday??? "hi there, are we still on for tonight?". HOLY MOTHER OF GOD - protect me from insanity!!!???!!

of speedos and hairy backs..

i just thought i'd share some snippets of my wonderful time away from sub zero melbourne... sooo, after spending a whole month in a tropical island (which shall not be named in case i get sued) with the dodgiest internet connection in the whole world but the best diving spots.

i got to thinking - men can be so lucky.. if i was a man - i would be quite busy ogling the ladies and their ummm dental floss like costumes prancing around like the goddesses that they are...... however, as i unfortunately am a woman i was instead treated to the damning slash mind numbing sight of said dental floss'saggy consorts in their bright blue speedos and (awk! choke! gasp!) hairy backs. to my horror, some of these consorts also sported speedos of the flouro green variety (thankfully none opted for red or i would have puked in my throat).

anyhooooo, as my scrutiny continued (for no amount of sunglasses can spare my eyes from said neon madness) - i have come to appreciate how this unfortunate male costume accentuates the overflowing beer bellies and the wearer's complete absence of a butt. how these elaborately err snug contraption cradles them precious budgies contained there. (anyone gagging yet?)

ahh.. but skimpy neon speedos aside lets not forget the sagging teak brown man boobs (front, back and sides), the rich, coarse texture of the alpha oldie's back hairs right down to the cleavage of his butt crack and of course - the immaculately sidecombed coiffure, artistically arranged to catch the least amount of uv rays as possible.

i know.. i know.. this is a free world and anyone can wear whatever they want... but for the love of all that is holy - i beg you, ditch the neon speedos and understand that some people would rather gouge their own eyes out than see such things.

end of my rant. good day to all.

p.s. any requests for picture to go with this post is absolutely denied.

on grief and family

thank you for your help and sympathy; for your friendship and generosity. 
mom is finally free from her pain. she passed away a few days ago. 
before she passed on.. she whispered to me, "i'm tired"
i'm sad for us who are left behind but i'm happy that she is now at rest. 
no more blood tests, iv drips, intravenous tubes, icu's/emergency rooms ... etc.. 
it's taken me a few tries to write this email as i am still in a state of non-acceptance
maybe this is a good step for me towards that, that she is gone from me forever..
once again, thank you for your love and support during mom's time of great need. 
thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts..
i will never forget your kindness to my mother. 
thank you. thank you..


The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.



Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever..

thoughts on online dating..

I've never been a" Dating Waiter" - one who waits around for someone to initiate contact. Although I have most certainly been strung along because of it, I'm still glad that I'm not. I came to the conclusion that it would help me more to view dating sites as a huge grocery store with many aisles.. People can fill their carts with many quality items and not speed through the 10 items or less lane.. It is also important to read labels starting with something as simple as a screen name i.e. those with suggestive sexual overtones and certain numbers in them, well, you already know your picking from the clearance aisle..LOL! So stay the F away.. I think it all boils down to one word "communication".. To not be afraid to ask questions (as I have been in the past). Its not hard.. most men will let you know if they plan on shopping from the condom aisle before a second email is exchanged. If they don't tell you upfront - then they have no balls and does not deserve a second reply. And no coupons when online dating...I'm not looking for a bargain, its my shopping cart after all!

"An age old question: to follow your heart or your mind.. a single girl's lament".

would you go into marriage knowing you'll never feel too strongly for this other person? that he doesnt make your pulse go any quicker?

sometimes i think that's the difference between men and women.. men can choose whom they can love and marry..
women have to make a logical choice. who is the better provider, not just financially but emotionally and intellectually...
more so because when they used their hearts in their past choices, it tends to get their hearts stomped on..or am i just being an idealist?

but maybe i am asking for too much.. for everything in fact.. maybe, i want to have everything.. the sexual attraction, the camaraderie, shared interests, his ability to provide etc etc..

maybe it is ok to give up on the other stuff i.e. sexual attraction in favour of the ability to provide..

when i was 16 years old. all i wanted was to be a housewife and have 2 dozen kids and be passionately in love with my husband. but obviously that didnt happen.. lol.

my friends all tell me, that love will come eventually. if the guy loves you dearly and provides for you.. ... eventually i will feel love and passion for him. and perhaps sexual attraction..will this concept destroy my romantic ideals? why must love and marriage be treated like a business transaction?

my greatest fear is that i will find the love & passion i have been looking for and know that i have to settle for passionless and safe because it will be a good investment for my future....